bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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