I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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