Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
