Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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