I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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