i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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