I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
