the condom got lost in my hair
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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