i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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