I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
