All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
