I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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