according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
