it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
