He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
