singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
