her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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