They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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