Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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