Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize