You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
