I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
