The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
