So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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