I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
