I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Randomize
