Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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