My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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