I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
