I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
