I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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