I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
