What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
