i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize