overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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