I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
