Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I looked at my own cervix.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
