to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
