toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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