I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
