i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
