Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
