Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
