I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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