Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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