I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize