You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
