You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
