Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
