This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
