matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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