So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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