I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
