He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The power of my boobs compel you
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
