I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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