How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
