we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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