Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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