You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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