I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
