watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
