And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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