what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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