I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
